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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.